Casual

I wish I could be casual about it;

I wish I could master that

As if it is something to be mastered.

To be a master at this

    is to be very skilled

    at hurting myself.

    And other people, too.

But I'm sick of waiting for that

    one.

    perfect.

    person.

To the point that I would be with a thousand half-perfect people

    to entertain me while I wait.

I'm sick of building my character through patience.

    I want closeness

    the feeling of being wanted

    the power of occupying someone's thoughts

        anyone's thoughts

        everyone's thoughts

What good is the wait

    when I can have half-perfect right now?

I do it Over and Over

 I wasted so much time thinking about you:

    time I'll never get back.

You should be flattered.

You should also be surprised, though,

Because surely you know 

That you are only mildly interesting.

I know I'm surprised.

Surprised that I assigned such hope to something so hopeless,

once again.

I mean, I guess I do it all the time

-over and over-

And I'm shocked anew each time.

I do it because of the longing

the wanting without having

reaching, grasping

gasping

for ultimate and all-consuming connection

It's a hope that I hold onto

even though all it does is hurt me.

And I know this.

And I've known it all along.

Flashes in the Pan

 Don't flatter yourself.

We were never friends

        Any more than we were lovers

        (And we were never lovers either).

We are just convenient acquaintances

    who partially enjoy each other

        every once in a while.

And no matter how many times we reconnect,

we will always fall apart.

Our baseless relationship

    washing

        away into exactly what it should be:

Nothing.

Not even a firm cutoff

with closure.

Just a slow, gentle washing away

Every time we fade, I miss parts of you.

You have these bright shining moments

    -flashes in the pan, if you will-

that disappear as soon as they surface

And then you move in to kiss me

without ever telling me why.

That's the part I'll never get.

I thought you saw me the same way as I saw you.