Fake Fireplace

 You lit a candle because you like company
Also because you think I'm hot.

I gave myself to someone who is not my future.
Not even close.

Not amazing beyond my wildest dreams

Or really even thrilling

    in the end.

I love a good thrill

You will always be my sexy pool boy.  Irresistable

Pouring my drinks for me - rum and cola

    Always a little too strong.

I'll miss you

    your boring, passionate ramblings that I pretended to like

    sleeping over in your guest room

    your looping fireplace video

        meditative videos of the northern lights

But I won't miss the torture

    of my thoughts:  sinking into your arms

    knowing it was wrong,

    hoping it was right

You were never my future - 

    not even a friend really

You were always more fun when I was drunk

I needed to say no

Close the chapter

Needed it; didn't want it

Decisions are often painful

    and so it was this time:

I wanted more:

More sex

More messages

More attention

        I threw myself in

        Ignored the signs

Smoke signals of attachment

Flags waving in my face (red ones, of course)

I wrestled

Thoughts consumed my nighttime walks - impossible to ignore.

even my body felt it:

    tight chest

    sinking stomach

Being with you wasn't even that good.

        Not fulfilling

        Not uplifting

        Far from peaceful in my memories.

But it was the world

            for a time

    My whole world.

    

Decisons can also be powerful